Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
