You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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