I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
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