if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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