The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
