Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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