we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
