The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
