And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Randomize
