So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
