Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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