From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
