ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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