So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
why does every cop we meet know your name?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
