She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I supernannyed him into submission
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
