i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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