my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
this is an emotional support booty call
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
