Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
