I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
