I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
