I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Randomize
