i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
