i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
