the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Is it because I queefed?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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