While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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