Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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