Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
