i want to swaddle you in tequila
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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