she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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