so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
