If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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