they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
