my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
