Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
