i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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