i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
