i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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