please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
