i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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