Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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