Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Randomize
