I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
