It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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