Your mouth is God's brothel.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
