you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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