community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Randomize
