ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
