Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
