Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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