I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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